Category Archives: The Hen

Drama Drive

Written 1/30/2015

I don’t even know where to begin with this…

Assumptions – who needs them?! Drama – who needs it?!  And WHY was MY day ruined because of other people?!

Yesterday was a day full of frustrations. The new job had my head spinning, eyes crossing, and head aching. But what made it worse was getting a text that said – “Call me now!” I’m used to the “!” mark following most messages from this friend but this text was not the same and immediately my stomach did a backflip and leapt right into my throat. In the middle of the lobby, I returned his call and was immediately assaulted with irritated ramblings about how people know information about him – private information. Information about his gift to me, etc. In the middle of the lobby, without any privacy, I did my best to stay calm during his accusations that I was the one talking to people to whom I never speak with. Oh sure. I speak to them but as a professional, not as a friend.

The problem here: I was happy, excited, and wanted to share…it was only when one particular person said something negative about him that he asked for nothing to be discussed…so I haven’t. That person only knew bits and pieces, has already voiced her opinion about him twice to me, and is friends with other people he knows. You see where this is leading, right? Straight down Drama Drive. But the bigger picture is that while it’s ok for people to discuss his dealings with one of the other people who’s talking, it isn’t ok for anyone to know about he and I talking. Why? There’s definitely something wrong with this picture. The reason seemed reasonable enough. That is until he told me about the other person he had been talking to and I began to piece it all together. This had nothing to do with his divorce or son. It had to do with him personally because he was doing exactly what my “friend” warned me about. The same warning, that when I told him, he completely over reacted and asked me not to discuss us any longer with people from work. And I respected him enough to do just that. Keep it to myself.

So – the text. The call. Assumptions. Accusations. And me – feeling like crap and then later to just being plain hurt because it wasn’t me who had done anything wrong. Normally, I would either  bury it deep down or explode in a fit of anger. I did neither. Instead, I called him back to express how I felt. I didn’t call to re-hash the original conversation but I did feel I needed to be heard about how he made me feel. At least I was heard.

Drama – Assumptions. Its all ridiculous. And his reaction was no less childish than those who talk about things they ought not. And I’m about to find another road to follow…

Lunch Box Notes

Written 1/28/2015

Lunch box notes or ANY kind of sweet note for that matter, are always a nice “you’re special to me” way to make someone smile. It’s a simple gesture often taken for granted and yet, one that can bring a world of smiles to someone who might be having a bad day.

Coincidentally, I had the same conversation with a man friend telling him how it makes me feel good to send flirty, good morning/ good night messages. It even feels good to send a message that just says you’re thinking about the other person or a joke to make them laugh because, again – you never know what kind of day they are having. Receiving a “note” lets that person know they are cared about and it can change a sour mood into a more pleasant one.

Today, I received an, “I love you & have a good day” lunch box note from chick #3. One simple note made my day and while I sat there eating my lunch, taking a much needed break from all the information overload, I realized there was no way she know I was stressed and on the brink of tears and I thought – I done good with this kid!

Chapters & Books

Written 1/27/2015

Wouldn’t it be an experience to go back and read the Chapters of your life? I’m certain some chapters would be difficult to re-experience while others would fill you with joy again. How many of these chapters does it take to fill your book? Or are they different compilations of books in one enormous book? I feel that significant events or changes constitute as a new book in itself.

Therefore; today I cracked open a freshly bound, but unwritten New Book in this crazy life of mine. After 28 years of working in, around, and with children, I’ve moved on to something foreign to me – a career field that does not involve children. Whoa! Right?! This was a very difficult decision to make but in the end, paying bills, having a place to live, and having food on the table won the argument. When you weigh the pros and cons, sometimes you have to give up something you love in order to survive. Of those 28 years, 15 of them were spent as some sort of a manager in the education industry. Whether it was as a teacher’s trainer, director of a program, managing a single location, or assisting on a larger scale with the facility in general, I’ve always been, for the most part in the “kid” and “education” business. So, when it came down to it, the experiences I’ve gained through management – more specifically, administrative tasks – have opened a door, providing me an opportunity that my family so desperately needed.

I’m out of my element with the “product” because kids and sheet metal fabrication have nothing to do with one another but like any new experience, it takes time and patience to learn the new language and lingo. This week was tough. I have the skills and the ability to do the work, but being out of practice makes me feel slow. There’s also a ton of information that I’m learning how to mentally and administratively process. By the end of the day, my head was spinning from all the information but I know this is the right things to do.

I may not walk into a school every day, hug a student, or chat with another educator about the pros and cons of public education, curriculum differences, or how to make every moment a teachable moment but my heart and actions will always be those of a teacher because I believe in education.

This new book is a genre I’m unfamiliar with and honestly, it scares the Hell out of me. But, since I’ve cracked it open, I might as well sit for a spell, dig in, and see where the story takes me.

Here’s to NEW BOOKS!

Weekly Photo Challenge – Express Yourself

I combed though the masses of photos taken over the years and I discovered that what expresses me the most are:

  • My three Chicks
  • Fun Adventures
  • Anything to do with WATER
  • Laughing and Quirky Humor
  • A Great cup of coffee
  • Cooking
  • Technology
  • And my attempt at capturing a great photo

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Express Yourself

Awkward Compliments

Yesterday was one of THOSE days. You know the kind. The one where nothing is quite going right.

I woke up with a headache, my sciatica was killing me – literally, the man friend was unable to come by, one of my football teams lost, AND the new (used) dryer I bought worked all for…30 seconds. Yes. 30 FLIPPIN’ SECONDS and then it just died. No power. Kaput! Zilch! Nada! So I did what any non-repair person would do. Called Lowe’s, told them the issue – and they directed me to their Customer Care 1-888 # crap. Seriously?! I haven’t had the dryer for 2 hours and it worked for 30 SECONDS! Are you kidding me?! And to top that off, Customer Care is only open M-F.  Of course they are! So, I ended my Sunday on a very sour note. Screamed at the TV, took some sinus medication, talked to the man friend (which was the best part of the day), and crawled into bed.

Today is a Holiday. So, right off – it’s already a better day than yesterday. But…

First thing, I called that Lowe’s 1-888 # only to be told that the dryer was purchased “as is”. Ummm – pretty sure that’s a load of horse shit. The kind woman tried to tell me that there was a 30 day return policy but that the manufacturer warranty would only be good from the original purchase date. The funny thing was that she never asked for the Model or Serial #s. So how would she know if it was still under warranty or not? Additionally, the dryer had an electrical repair that would also be under warranty. Electrical repair + dryer not getting any power = coincidence? I don’t think so. Anyway, after several minutes of going back and forth and her collecting my information, she tells me she’ll contact the store. The store? You mean the SAME store I called YESTERDAY who gave me the 1-888 #?!    And sure enough, less than 20 minutes pass and who calls? The Lowe’s where I purchased the dryer! This gentleman asks me if it’s ok to send out his delivery guys again “just to check to make sure they didn’t install it incorrectly”? Sure. Knock your socks off. I mean, seriously even I know how to check the breaker box, make sure it’s plugged in, check to see if the door is latched shut, and even check the plug its self. But hey! Go for it!  A couple hours later, two delivery men arrive. “Hello. Lowe’s sent me to look at your dryer. I’m not really a “repairman” but I’ll take a look and see what I can find.”  Listen here, Mister. I didn’t ask for them to send you back to look at the damn thing. After the run around, I actually told the guy at the store to just come get the POS because clearly no one wants to fix the issue – I didn’t say this but it was right there, hanging on my tongue ready to be viperously spit out if this knuckle head said anything deserving of my wrath. Thankfully he didn’t and was actually quite helpful. I still have the dryer and they are going to repair it. Yay!

So, the main point of this post was “awkward compliments”. How can it be awkward compliments when it’s related to a lemon dryer? Well, today’s delivery guy asked to look at the breaker box. Now mind you, you have to walk through my entire apartment to get to the laundry area. Pass through the living and dining areas, past the girl’s room, down the hall, into the girl’s vanity and to the laundry closet. There’s an adjoining bathroom between the girl’s vanity and mine and you can see my vanity and my bedroom because all the doors were open.

Back to the breaker box. It’s in my bedroom. So I walked him to the corner of the room and as I was turning, he complimented my bed! “Oh, I REALLY like that bed.”  I politely thanked him and quickly backed towards the door. Sorry dude but if you’re going to compliment the bed you need to build up to that. You know. Compliment the living room, the pictures on the wall, how clean my home is and then maybe – just maybe, it would be reasonably ok to compliment my bedroom set. But you just don’t go straight for the bed plunge!

Good grief! I mean seriously, AWKWARD moment!!

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Complicated

Holy complicated, Batman!

Over the years, I have actually had more than a couple people tell me that the look in my eyes is – Simple.   Ya, ya. I know before you get your panties in a wad, let me explain. Initially, I was kind of put off by that word, too but in all actuality, I do prefer for life, relationships, love, work, etc. to be just that – simple. Straight forward with no hidden agendas. Or otherwise know as – Uncomplicated. I also believe in good things. Call it an innocent naiveté but I’d rather see the positive to all situations. However, enjoying the simple things in life, doesn’t mean my mind is simple. And unfortunately, I know that in reality, life and love is anything but uncomplicated. None of it is ever easy – ever.

And why does it really need to be complicated? For instance, guy likes girl. Girl likes guy. They get together. Have some fun. He uses the “L” word – and oh boy, there goes simple. We just entered complicated in 4 letters. How about we just KISS? Keep it simple, stupid. So, ok. Now, what is she supposed to think? Is he really wanting to move forward with this or was he simply caught up in the moment? Blame it on the alcohol. But hey, I always say – you don’t say anything intoxicated that you haven’t thought about saying while sober. See what I mean? Complicated. Then, a washed with more feeling, he addresses the topic of other women not being faithful. Where are we going with this? Where did simple go? The daily messages. The visits. The hot sex that he refers to as “making love”.  …There are other intimate details to those conversations that really just add to the complicated confusion, making it difficult to know exactly where this whole thing is going.  On one hand – it’s just us having fun, getting to know each other. On the other hand, it’s him saying things that add confusion – like asking me if I’m going to tell people I’m taken. Taken? That would mean we’re in a relationship – right?

But as complicated would have it, he went straight for the climax of complicated. Straight to the top where we now teeter back and forth with uneasiness. On a glowing high, I made mention about us. Nothing detailed. Just the sweet Romeo part (forgetting that Romeo and Juliet is actually a tragedy) and you freaked. Told me it was too soon. Was offended when I asked a personal question. And now, I’m sitting here trying to understand what type of relationship you really want.

What started off simple and exciting has just ascended to an all time complicated high and  when it crashes, it’s going to be a doozy.

~SE

Is it a Sign? Is it just Corny? Or is it just a Corny Sign?

I’ve been playing this out in my head all afternoon but sometimes it’s just difficult to articulate the thoughts in my head.  So here goes…

Since the day you appeared under my balcony, my heart beats a little faster, there’s a little more swag in my step, my face lights up when you’re around, and my body burns with desire. My mind often wanders to you – thinking about holding, touching, and kissing or wow! I just can’t believe you chose me.

…and it’s the latter that often has my doubts climbing sky high and then waiting for them to come crashing through the floor. I expect it. I wait for it. I don’t want to give in to them but try as I might, I can’t completely shake the case of the stomach knotting doubts. Why? I suppose it’s because I trust too easily and then discover that the truths I’ve been told and believe haven’t always been the truth…and I get hurt.

Today, was one of those days where someone else planted a seed of doubt. My face lit up when you snuck in to say hello and revealed more than what I had intended. I know I flushed. I couldn’t stop smiling. It was so obvious. When she realized what was going on, my “friend” shared something about you with me. She wasn’t aware that you had already told me but still the seed was planted and the nagging doubt crept in like a wisteria vine that sneakily creeps, overcomes, and conquers. My stomach churned, fog clouded my mind, and even though you and I had already discussed this very piece of information, my heart sank and I just knew, this was the floor giving way because maybe – just maybe – there was more to this “truth” than what you had said.  Stomach knotted, I finished out my day by trying to stay busy. Unfortunately, that meant I kept bumping in to you. On any other day, that would have been exactly what I wanted. But today, I couldn’t say anything to you about the destructive thoughts taking over my brain and all I wanted, was to ask for some reassurance so that they would flee. So I figured I’d suffer against the cold for a few moments of alone time by preparing for afternoon dismissal. And as I was walking back along the road, there you were – Again!  I watched you leave and then spent my 45 minute drive home alone with my own thoughts.  You know the kind? Thoughts so loud they drown out the radio. Thoughts that obscure the landscape. Thoughts that bounce from this and that, trying to piece bits and pieces of conversations together. Replaying – over and over again. Thoughts that berate and chastise.  Calling me a fool. Telling me to wake up. Saying things like – idiot, you’ve been down THIS road before. What’s wrong with you?!

…and then, in a singular moment, somewhere between Wake up you fool! and I  can’t believe this! – I heard a faint and barely audible, “Romeo save me…” I shook my head because I wasn’t quite sure what I had heard. My radio was turned way down and with the wind whipping my car, even if I wanted to hear what was playing, I couldn’t.  Puzzled, I turned up the radio to hear Taylor Swift’s, Love Story and the flood of tears I was holding back, finally let loose. I shook my head, laughing and crying. But not because of doubts and my own insecurities. But because I know God works in mysterious ways and there are always signs. You just have to be open and receive them.  On a side note, Bruce in Bruce Almighty cracks me up when he’s oblivious to the signs he’s asking for. Duh! Ask for a sign and get a truck full of signs. Hell -ooo!

It may be a little corny to think that hearing that line at that very moment was anything other than coincidence but I honestly feel I was meant to hear it because I needed to.

Romeo save me, I’ve been feeling so alone…

… It’s a love story, baby just say yes

Takes a Secure Woman

Today’s message: Take time to laugh … at yourself.

Laughing is good. No. It’s GREAT! Laughter heals. Laughter builds relationships. Laughter tears down walls. Laughter unites. And often, it’s so easy to laugh at or with other people but yet so difficult to laugh at ourselves. Why is that? Does it make us appear weak? Are we that insecure that we can’t laugh at our own foibles? Does it makes us vulnerable? I never quite understood that. Laugh at your best bud crashing into the wall or face planting the floor but get fire breathing pissed off if it were to happen to you. Just doesn’t make sense to me and honestly, I get a real kick out of my own ridiculousness. Therefore, laughing at myself is a daily must.

Here’s a special treat for you. I actually sent this via text to Chick #1 because I felt compelled to share my hilarious misfortune with her so that she might also partake in the laughter.

Sometime in November 2013, I was digging around in the itty bitty, slam packed with boxes attic space for the Autumn decorations. Of course, nothing was within reach. So that meant I had to cautiously navigate through the clutter, broken floor planks, and comb through the stock piled boxes for the few I actually needed.  The attic isn’t a full sized walking attic, either. It’s basically a crawl space. I mean, you can hump over like a hunchback and walk down the center line but anything off to the sides, and you really should be on your knees so that you don’t cause some blunt force trauma to the ol’ noggin’ by bashing it up against a pretty stout cross beam. No, I didn’t knock myself silly. I did something even funnier. You see, hanging from a beam was some type of dangling cord that kept brushing on my neck….and….

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And there you have it. It takes a secure women to admit that she had the pee scared right out of her. It takes an even more secure woman to laugh at her own absurdity… and now you can laugh, too!

~ SE

Raging Fire

Sometimes a certain song just seems to sing to your heart and soul. I love Phillip Phillip’s music, his persona, and all around sound. And, if you happened to watch season 11 of American Idol, who could forget his Thriller audition? Absolutely amaz- ing!

This evening, I was driving home, beat boppin’ to the radio jams, and was also thinking about my Romeo admirer when Raging Fire drew me back from my wandering thoughts. The lyrics are so powerful and hit home. Maybe not for everyone – but definitely for me. I hope everyone finds that raging fire within themselves and surrenders to your love’s heart. I know I have.

~ SE

I Resolve to…

Ok – so this isn’t like one of those regular New Year’s resolutions. You know the ones. The same ol’ boring resolutions most people make year in and year out but never truly make a solid commitment to seeing them through. Weight loss. Healthy eating. Regular exercise. New job. Relationship status. Be Happy. … and on and on. Nope. That’s not me. I have a different vision for myself this year. Purging. Hu? Yes. Purging! You see, I’ve always kept journals – and Heaven forbid if anyone should ever actually READ them! Oh boy! All my dirty little secrets, confessions, hurts, desires, new and lost loves, insecurities, dreams, and fears are all neatly handwritten and tucked away from prying eyes. These books contain the building blocks of me and are a foundation for who I’ve become in this crazy world as an independent women and mother. They’re raw. They’re detailed. And just as the eyes are a looking glass to the depths of your soul, my journals are a door to my very heart and being. Why did I begin writing? It’s always been a form of therapy for me. Helps me sort through the muckety muck muck that clogs the cogs in my brain and also allows me to remain politically correct by restricting what actually comes out of my mouth. While it’s relieving to actually say what’s on your mind, it isn’t always prudent. Therefore, pen and paper are silent, non judging friends who allow me to be myself. I was 17 when I took to writing. It was a way for me to face years of verbal abuse and hostility without actually “losing it”. Later, my writings traversed far and wide from my marriage, living in Japan, divorce, relationships, children, family, and life in general.

A friend once referred to my journals as “Bitch Books”. At the time, I interpreted that in a very derogative manner and was insulted by the mere suggestion that I was a bitch. I am. I accept it but seriously?! It was years later, that I finally understood his reference was to what I was writing about – my bitches, my complaints, my I’m sick to death of the crap – in my books and to this day, I still fondly think of them as my Bitch Books. Thanks, John for that!

So my point with all this is simply that writing in my Bitch Books is a way to purge in a non public forum. But without joining those books to this blog, I’m only revealing half of myself. It’s actually a pain for myself because when I have this dire need to write, I find myself checking for inappropriate content – which would be most of the time. Just sayin’.  And in most cases, I refrain from sharing the dark side because there really aren’t any cookies waiting there for you.

My resolution is this: Whether it be down right hysterical, make you wet your pants funny blogging or dark, and sometimes very sad blogging, my goal is to purge the many things I have held on to or continue to bury in my life. Having been inspired by a fellow blogger, I resolve to accept who I am… one blog at a time.

~ SE