I’ve been playing this out in my head all afternoon but sometimes it’s just difficult to articulate the thoughts in my head. So here goes…
Since the day you appeared under my balcony, my heart beats a little faster, there’s a little more swag in my step, my face lights up when you’re around, and my body burns with desire. My mind often wanders to you – thinking about holding, touching, and kissing or wow! I just can’t believe you chose me.
…and it’s the latter that often has my doubts climbing sky high and then waiting for them to come crashing through the floor. I expect it. I wait for it. I don’t want to give in to them but try as I might, I can’t completely shake the case of the stomach knotting doubts. Why? I suppose it’s because I trust too easily and then discover that the truths I’ve been told and believe haven’t always been the truth…and I get hurt.
Today, was one of those days where someone else planted a seed of doubt. My face lit up when you snuck in to say hello and revealed more than what I had intended. I know I flushed. I couldn’t stop smiling. It was so obvious. When she realized what was going on, my “friend” shared something about you with me. She wasn’t aware that you had already told me but still the seed was planted and the nagging doubt crept in like a wisteria vine that sneakily creeps, overcomes, and conquers. My stomach churned, fog clouded my mind, and even though you and I had already discussed this very piece of information, my heart sank and I just knew, this was the floor giving way because maybe – just maybe – there was more to this “truth” than what you had said. Stomach knotted, I finished out my day by trying to stay busy. Unfortunately, that meant I kept bumping in to you. On any other day, that would have been exactly what I wanted. But today, I couldn’t say anything to you about the destructive thoughts taking over my brain and all I wanted, was to ask for some reassurance so that they would flee. So I figured I’d suffer against the cold for a few moments of alone time by preparing for afternoon dismissal. And as I was walking back along the road, there you were – Again! I watched you leave and then spent my 45 minute drive home alone with my own thoughts. You know the kind? Thoughts so loud they drown out the radio. Thoughts that obscure the landscape. Thoughts that bounce from this and that, trying to piece bits and pieces of conversations together. Replaying – over and over again. Thoughts that berate and chastise. Calling me a fool. Telling me to wake up. Saying things like – idiot, you’ve been down THIS road before. What’s wrong with you?!
…and then, in a singular moment, somewhere between Wake up you fool! and I can’t believe this! – I heard a faint and barely audible, “Romeo save me…” I shook my head because I wasn’t quite sure what I had heard. My radio was turned way down and with the wind whipping my car, even if I wanted to hear what was playing, I couldn’t. Puzzled, I turned up the radio to hear Taylor Swift’s, Love Story and the flood of tears I was holding back, finally let loose. I shook my head, laughing and crying. But not because of doubts and my own insecurities. But because I know God works in mysterious ways and there are always signs. You just have to be open and receive them. On a side note, Bruce in Bruce Almighty cracks me up when he’s oblivious to the signs he’s asking for. Duh! Ask for a sign and get a truck full of signs. Hell -ooo!
It may be a little corny to think that hearing that line at that very moment was anything other than coincidence but I honestly feel I was meant to hear it because I needed to.
Romeo save me, I’ve been feeling so alone…
… It’s a love story, baby just say yes