I Resolve to…

Ok – so this isn’t like one of those regular New Year’s resolutions. You know the ones. The same ol’ boring resolutions most people make year in and year out but never truly make a solid commitment to seeing them through. Weight loss. Healthy eating. Regular exercise. New job. Relationship status. Be Happy. … and on and on. Nope. That’s not me. I have a different vision for myself this year. Purging. Hu? Yes. Purging! You see, I’ve always kept journals – and Heaven forbid if anyone should ever actually READ them! Oh boy! All my dirty little secrets, confessions, hurts, desires, new and lost loves, insecurities, dreams, and fears are all neatly handwritten and tucked away from prying eyes. These books contain the building blocks of me and are a foundation for who I’ve become in this crazy world as an independent women and mother. They’re raw. They’re detailed. And just as the eyes are a looking glass to the depths of your soul, my journals are a door to my very heart and being. Why did I begin writing? It’s always been a form of therapy for me. Helps me sort through the muckety muck muck that clogs the cogs in my brain and also allows me to remain politically correct by restricting what actually comes out of my mouth. While it’s relieving to actually say what’s on your mind, it isn’t always prudent. Therefore, pen and paper are silent, non judging friends who allow me to be myself. I was 17 when I took to writing. It was a way for me to face years of verbal abuse and hostility without actually “losing it”. Later, my writings traversed far and wide from my marriage, living in Japan, divorce, relationships, children, family, and life in general.

A friend once referred to my journals as “Bitch Books”. At the time, I interpreted that in a very derogative manner and was insulted by the mere suggestion that I was a bitch. I am. I accept it but seriously?! It was years later, that I finally understood his reference was to what I was writing about – my bitches, my complaints, my I’m sick to death of the crap – in my books and to this day, I still fondly think of them as my Bitch Books. Thanks, John for that!

So my point with all this is simply that writing in my Bitch Books is a way to purge in a non public forum. But without joining those books to this blog, I’m only revealing half of myself. It’s actually a pain for myself because when I have this dire need to write, I find myself checking for inappropriate content – which would be most of the time. Just sayin’.  And in most cases, I refrain from sharing the dark side because there really aren’t any cookies waiting there for you.

My resolution is this: Whether it be down right hysterical, make you wet your pants funny blogging or dark, and sometimes very sad blogging, my goal is to purge the many things I have held on to or continue to bury in my life. Having been inspired by a fellow blogger, I resolve to accept who I am… one blog at a time.

~ SE

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